Treading water

I really don't have a lot to say about today. It was mostly just work, work, work. But I may as well, I suppose. I'm too demoralized to come up with any other details.

When I rubbed my eyes and sat up, I had a huge headache. I could scarcely tell if I was awake, even, because I was too busy focusing on the earsplitting pains emitting from my skull. Every new "bang" from the pipes sent a new stab of pain down my forehead. I shivered.

Eventually, I managed to lug the uncooperative body that was attached to my head over to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face, and then popped a couple of pills to relieve the pain. Now I only had about 20 more minutes of intense suffering, at least. I splashed more water on my face, got some in my eyes, and didn't even notice that pain compared to the skullsplitting agony above it.

I went and lay down on my bed for a couple of minutes. I was lucky; the painkillers kicked in pretty fast. Or maybe they didn't. I didn't have the best concept of time at that moment.

Anyway, my head was clearer, and the pain had been reduced to a dull throbbing ache. So I walked out into the TV room and headed for the kitchen. Xiu Li was on the couch watching TV. Wait. No, she wasn't. She was reading a book.

I couldn't remember the last time I saw Xiu Li read a book. She's pretty smart and all, but she just doesn't read much anymore. I must admit, my first reaction to seeing her reading was to check over the couch and make sure it was actually her. "Are you reading, Xiu Li?" She looked up at me and nodded, almost guiltily.
I grinned at her. "I haven't seen you do that since you learned how."
Xiu Li glared at me and muttered, "Shut up."
I gestured to the TV, which was off. "Is the TV really that bad?"
"This morning? Yes." I noticed the remote next to her. "Just boring news."
I chuckled at the entire scenario until she finally said, "So, what am I doing today?"
I hadn't thought that far ahead. I didn't want to just leave her in the house, and as much as I felt guilty about it, I really could use the extra help at the post office.
"I need you to help me at work again."
She didn't throw any tantrums or anything. "Do I have to run another postal route?"
She seemed to be under the illusion that I actually had planned ahead what was going to happen today. "I'll give you a solid maybe." I was tired of talking about this, though. And I was hungry.
"Now," I told Xiu Li, having a burst of spontaneity, "come into the kitchen. We're going to make breakfast." And we did. We made french toast, and it was actually really good. I felt, for the first time in what seemed like forever, that I was actually doing a good job as a dad.

After we finished breakfast, I put all the dishes in the sink, gathered up my things, and we were off. It was kind of strange for me to walk to work with my daughter. I kept having to remind myself that this wasn't a permanent arrangement. That reminded me of the high probability of my impending job loss, which was demoralizing. I kicked a rock as we walked down the sidewalk.

When we got there, everyone showed up within a margin of five minutes. I immediately started trying to talk it out. "Okay," I said, "so here's the deal. Bill, I want you to call people up and start seeing if we can get people to sponsor us. Make sure you tell them about how far we've gone to get them their mail. Don't mention the whole shopping cart thing unless you can figure out a way to shed a positive light on it." He nodded, and went over to the desk. He stopped and looked at me like he had a question, but I held up a hand for him to wait. I needed to dole out the tasks as fast as I could. Today I was a manager.
"Curt and Marjorie, I need you both to stay here today and help with fundraisers. We're going to need all hands on deck." Then something occurred to me. "Xiu Li, that means I'm actually going to need you to cover all the mail routes today. I know that'll take up most of your time, but you did such a fabulous job yesterday and you're a big girl. I know you can handle it." Any respect she had for me as a father probably sublimated at that point, but I was on a roll. I could always apologize to her later, and this was essentially my last chance to keep my job. Right? I tried not to think too much about it. Xiu Li scowled impressively and ran out back. I hoped this wouldn't come back to bite me.

I helped Bill compile a list of people to call.
It wasn't a very long list, but I was hoping that some of them would be able to help more than a little bit. After he started dialing the numbers, I started talking to Curt and Marjorie.

"Okay," I told them. "Whatcha got?"
They exchanged glances. "I'll rob a bank," said Marjorie. I couldn't tell if she was kidding, but I shook my head just to be sure.
I was discouraged by the silence that followed, but then Curt spoke. "I think I'll go over to DuBolaire's post office and try to... discourage the competition." He grinned.
For such a quiet, nerdy-looking kid, he certainly had an interesting conniving side.
"You, sir," I said, "are a genius. That sounds like a plan."
Curt left without saying anything else.
I looked at Marjorie. "You can't really rob a bank," I told her. "So what are you going to do?"
She smiled. "I know. I was mostly kidding." That word "mostly" disturbed me a little. "You could go talk to banks about loans," I suggested. Marjorie nodded, surprised. "I hadn't thought of that. Sounds good to me."
I told Eli I needed her to just keep working the counter.

With Marjorie and Curt gone and Bill making phone calls, I decided I needed to take action for myself. I started walking into various stores all over town and essentially soliciting.

Shoes & Etc. didn't give me anything.
The pawn shop tried to convince me to pawn off everything I owned.
Isabella's Cafe thought my post office uniform meant I was some kind of porn star. I left quickly.
I came back in the afternoon, completely wiped out from all my hopeless attempts at raising money. Thankfully, Bill was a smooth talker on the phone and had gotten a little bit of money. Marjorie brought me back a ton of information on loans at banks. I really didn't want to put us further into debt, though, so I decided that would be our backup plan.

We were getting pretty desperate by the afternoon. The post office had apparently specified that we had until six the next day. When Xiu Li came back from her mail route, I gave her a lunch and then told her to go stand on the street corner with a sign.

I felt awful. We were doing all of the stupid cheesy ideas that people make fun of. I was getting so desperate. I could think of very few things I wouldn't have done to raise money. (Well, I didn't like the idea Isabella's had.) Why was I making everyone go through this? I was fighting a losing battle. I didn't know whether or not I should just give up on everything or fight the urge to even think that thought. I was completely overwhelmed with stress and confusion.

I tried to channel some of my stress energy into calculating how much more we had to earn, but that only stressed me out more, since the number was so high.

Eventually, Xiu Li came back from the corner and gave me the money she'd earned. I was actually surprised and impressed with the amount of money she'd earned, and I made a mental note to remember to ask her how she did it, but I was so distracted with other things that I didn't even realize when she'd gone home.

When everyone came back to the post office at the end of the day (Curt had narrowly avoided getting arrested, but apparently he'd managed to convince a few people to use our post office instead of DuBolaire's), I had a serious chat with all of them.

"Tomorrow is going to be a big day. It's possible that we'll end up having tons of loans, but we've already come this far. I really appreciate everything you all have done today, and I hope that we can make it through this."

I thought I was done, and I moved towards the door, but Curt spoke. "Mr. Zheng?"
"Renshu."
"Renshu," said Curt, "I'm willing to give up my salary until we can get this resolved. I have enough to get by, and I think this is important for all of us."
Marjorie nodded. "Me, too."
Bill smiled. "I guess I can do that."
I was shocked. "Thank you," I said as sincerely as I could.

Without another word, we all went home.

I didn't feel like exerting any effort. I lay down on the couch to watch TV. It was only when a nature program about slugs came on that I even thought about Xiu Li. Dammit. 
I stood up. "Xiu Li?"
No answer.
I knew she was gone. It was the same sinking feeling I got on my infamous 33rd birthday. But I had to check.
"XIU LI!"

I am a terrible father.
I didn't even look for her. I didn't have the heart.